For the longest I placed blame on my younger self for my sexual abuse. Always feeling like I could have done something. My counselor noted it and asked that I write a letter to my younger self. I avoided writing the letter for some time, and decided to write it on my 37th birthday. Which in hindsight, was a major milestone, 20 years since I had spoken up about being sexually assaulted.
Dear Jolanda,
As I celebrate my 37th year on this planet I felt it was important that I wrote you this long over due letter. I replayed what I wanted to say you so many times but always bailed when it came to actually writing it. So today, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being so brave. I know right now you are overwhelmed with all that's going on your diagnosis, your mother's diagnosis, and being betrayed by the adults in your life. Not having anyone you can confide is torturous. But I want to tell you it will get better and you will be okay. It may feel like life has a Vendetta against you but these things are teaching you compassion and shaping the work you will eventually do.
You were right, you are beautiful the world just didn't see it. What a powerful ritual you had to look in the mirror and tell yourself that, they now call it "mirror work". Despite the outside world telling you were black, fat, and ugly. Thank you for standing up for yourself and saying no to bleaching your skin. You are so loving, kind, compassionate, and gifted. You will find a place where you can use those gifts for healing. I know you want your mother back and would do anything to have her the way you knew her the first eleven years of your life. But the compassion and sensitivity you have for her and her mental illness will be the fire for the self care work you will eventually do.
As I wipe the tears from my eyes, I want to ask you for forgiveness. I always blamed you for not doing more. Not being better. For holding you accountable for messing up my future. Forgive me for not honoring how you were able to bring me through some of my darkest days. For protecting me enough for me to be who I am today. Everything I am able to do today is because of what you did. I owe so much to you. There were so many times I wanted to disassociate with you- How ignorant was I. Thank you Jolanda for birthing Nzingah. I am she and she is you. Thank you for healing my soul. I honor you this day and forever.
Love always and forever,
Nzingah